Posting the journal I've included below, I had no idea what was coming.
For the last 3 years I've been going through a never ending nightmare. I couldn't have even conceived enduring something like this back then, and if I knew it could get this bad I would have broken down in fear. I think the fact that depression took so long to settle in was both its saving grace and most sinister trait. I say that because I think if I hadn't been given the time to get used to the gradual decline, I wouldn't have survived it. It almost killed me as it was. But the problem with it been so slow to take effect is, you don't know you're suffering. I didn't realise until I was having anxiety attacks, not eating for days and not able to sleep for days, feeling overcome by dread, fearing everything including answering the phone, opening letters, going to the shops or any public space and gripped by a powerful sense that you are dying. You walk around thinking you're actually dying, right that minute. If you've never experienced it before, I'll tell you now, you can't grasp how physically crippling this becomes. You become clinically disabled even with a perfectly functional body. And you beat yourself up for it as much as the rest of the stigmatised world does and just like them, you convince yourself 'it's not real' even when it's had you bedridden and in physical pain for 3 days.
So thats where I've been for the last 3 years. I've been offline here and most places. I haven't been able to draw, write, use forums. Everything, even the stuff you really love just becomes bland and taxing and talking to people online just leaves you feeling hollow and unfulfilled.
But I think I'm starting to get better. My art sure is :3 Working hard and gonna make it even prettier since I'm drawing a lot more these days ^.^ I really want to please people. I'm terrified of looking like I want to glorify myself with it. But the whole purpose I hide behind a fursona is because I don't feel worth of any praise. I was born with a both highly gifted and troubled mind. I don't feel I deserve praise for its ability to learn so swiftly, but I do want to get a message out. I do want my art to be seen because I want it to touch people who've been through hell and speak to people who've closed their minds to the world because of fear. I want to dare people to think of things that might scare them, dare them to open their minds and be made aware of their subconscious.
And I'd like one day to break british society with it, but that's a bit of a long shot.
Anyways. Hope you guys are still here. I really miss having a life online
Big'un, Raddy, Foxtrot, SharkeyPrologue to a really shitty 3 years of depression: