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Where've I been for the last 3 years.
3 min read
Posting the journal I've included below, I had no idea what was coming.
For the last 3 years I've been going through a never ending nightmare. I couldn't have even conceived enduring something like this back then, and if I knew it could get this bad I would have broken down in fear. I think the fact that depression took so long to settle in was both its saving grace and most sinister trait. I say that because I think if I hadn't been given the time to get used to the gradual decline, I wouldn't have survived it. It almost killed me as it was. But the problem with it been so slow to take effect is, you don't know you're suffering. I didn't realise until I was having anxiety attacks, not eating for days and not able to sleep for days, feeling overcome by dread, fearing everything including answering the phone, opening letters, going to the shops or any public space and gripped by a powerful sense that you are dying. You walk around thinking you're actually dying, right that minute. If you've never experienced it before, I'll tell you now, you can't grasp how physically crippling this becomes. You become clinically disabled even with a perfectly functional body. And you beat yourself up for it as much as the rest of the stigmatised world does and just like them, you convince yourself 'it's not real' even when it's had you bedridden and in physical pain for 3 days.
So thats where I've been for the last 3 years. I've been offline here and most places. I haven't been able to draw, write, use forums. Everything, even the stuff you really love just becomes bland and taxing and talking to people online just leaves you feeling hollow and unfulfilled.
But I think I'm starting to get better. My art sure is :3 Working hard and gonna make it even prettier since I'm drawing a lot more these days ^.^ I really want to please people. I'm terrified of looking like I want to glorify myself with it. But the whole purpose I hide behind a fursona is because I don't feel worth of any praise. I was born with a both highly gifted and troubled mind. I don't feel I deserve praise for its ability to learn so swiftly, but I do want to get a message out. I do want my art to be seen because I want it to touch people who've been through hell and speak to people who've closed their minds to the world because of fear. I want to dare people to think of things that might scare them, dare them to open their minds and be made aware of their subconscious.
And I'd like one day to break british society with it, but that's a bit of a long shot.
Anyways. Hope you guys are still here. I really miss having a life online
Regards
Big'un, Raddy, Foxtrot, Sharkey
Prologue to a really shitty 3 years of depression:
For the last 3 years I've been going through a never ending nightmare. I couldn't have even conceived enduring something like this back then, and if I knew it could get this bad I would have broken down in fear. I think the fact that depression took so long to settle in was both its saving grace and most sinister trait. I say that because I think if I hadn't been given the time to get used to the gradual decline, I wouldn't have survived it. It almost killed me as it was. But the problem with it been so slow to take effect is, you don't know you're suffering. I didn't realise until I was having anxiety attacks, not eating for days and not able to sleep for days, feeling overcome by dread, fearing everything including answering the phone, opening letters, going to the shops or any public space and gripped by a powerful sense that you are dying. You walk around thinking you're actually dying, right that minute. If you've never experienced it before, I'll tell you now, you can't grasp how physically crippling this becomes. You become clinically disabled even with a perfectly functional body. And you beat yourself up for it as much as the rest of the stigmatised world does and just like them, you convince yourself 'it's not real' even when it's had you bedridden and in physical pain for 3 days.
So thats where I've been for the last 3 years. I've been offline here and most places. I haven't been able to draw, write, use forums. Everything, even the stuff you really love just becomes bland and taxing and talking to people online just leaves you feeling hollow and unfulfilled.
But I think I'm starting to get better. My art sure is :3 Working hard and gonna make it even prettier since I'm drawing a lot more these days ^.^ I really want to please people. I'm terrified of looking like I want to glorify myself with it. But the whole purpose I hide behind a fursona is because I don't feel worth of any praise. I was born with a both highly gifted and troubled mind. I don't feel I deserve praise for its ability to learn so swiftly, but I do want to get a message out. I do want my art to be seen because I want it to touch people who've been through hell and speak to people who've closed their minds to the world because of fear. I want to dare people to think of things that might scare them, dare them to open their minds and be made aware of their subconscious.
And I'd like one day to break british society with it, but that's a bit of a long shot.
Anyways. Hope you guys are still here. I really miss having a life online
Regards
Big'un, Raddy, Foxtrot, Sharkey
Prologue to a really shitty 3 years of depression:
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Foxtrot Hoodie! =D
1 min read
Spent the last week anxiously waiting for my parcel to arrive, and its just turned up ^^
The print looks amazing, and really compliments my style of art (in my opinion.)
Facebook: www.facebook.com/foxtrot.apoca…
The print looks amazing, and really compliments my style of art (in my opinion.)
Facebook: www.facebook.com/foxtrot.apoca…
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Fox does commission!
1 min read
Commissions open! 3 Slots on first come first serve bases.
Artwork style: Headshots, full colour with coloured shading and texture similar to 'Random Bunny' fav.me/d63lk68 With ether blank (e.g. fav.me/d60xka3, with white outline if required) solid colour, or textured (e.g fav.me/d63lk68) background.
Price: Flat rate of £5 ($7.80)
Payment method: PayPal only
Turn around: 7 days from payment guaranteed.
PM here, Facebook, or SoFurry if interested. And please keep in mind, commissions aren't something I do a lot of, so if I make a mistake with the process, bare with, I will make every effort to be absolutely sure you're happy with the service.
Finished artwork will be uploaded to DA, SoFurry and Facebook. Finished art can be sent to you in PNG (recommended,) JPEG or TIFF format. Artwork is drawn on a 3600 X 2400 pixel art board, but if you require a certain size, e.g. 1000 X 1000 or a screen size, let me know.
Facebook: www.facebook.com/foxtrot.apoca…
SoFurry: foxtrot-apocalyptia.sofurry.co…
Artwork style: Headshots, full colour with coloured shading and texture similar to 'Random Bunny' fav.me/d63lk68 With ether blank (e.g. fav.me/d60xka3, with white outline if required) solid colour, or textured (e.g fav.me/d63lk68) background.
Price: Flat rate of £5 ($7.80)
Payment method: PayPal only
Turn around: 7 days from payment guaranteed.
PM here, Facebook, or SoFurry if interested. And please keep in mind, commissions aren't something I do a lot of, so if I make a mistake with the process, bare with, I will make every effort to be absolutely sure you're happy with the service.
Finished artwork will be uploaded to DA, SoFurry and Facebook. Finished art can be sent to you in PNG (recommended,) JPEG or TIFF format. Artwork is drawn on a 3600 X 2400 pixel art board, but if you require a certain size, e.g. 1000 X 1000 or a screen size, let me know.
Facebook: www.facebook.com/foxtrot.apoca…
SoFurry: foxtrot-apocalyptia.sofurry.co…
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FurMeet o.o
6 min read
So I forced myself out of the house to go to one of these fuzzy looking fur meets. I've met all of 2 furries IRL, one from America I invited over, and a friend of his who he stayed with for a little while. That was last summer, and since then I've not had much social contact with other fuzzies until the last few months. I got myself onto the UKFur Forum and SoFurry and started to get to know a few people. Even then though, with loads of new skype contacts rolling it, I only got to know a few who live within an hours journey.
Anyway, long story short, decided to attend a FurMeet, to get to know more local furs. Knowing I'm not very good at the whole social group meetings, I was getting pretty stressed as the day of the meet arrived, to the extent my body started to do its usual trick of become very slow to fix any scrapes or cuts (which I get a lot of) I dont know what the deal is with that, but just seems nothing really heals. So i quickly start to look a bit worn out and exhausted. But I was pretty determined not to let my nerves put me off, so arranged to meet up with another furry biker outside the bar, so I wouldn't be going into the room of strangers on my own. The plan was going well, until the morning of the meet when I got a text saying he'd hurt his back and wouldn't be able to make it O.O
I almost backed out, but managed to push on. Got the number of another from the forum, and headed out. Parked up outside the bar they were meeting, then spent an hour walking around leeds 'hunting for an ATM.' (in actual fact i was just putting off walking into the place)
Eventually I got myself to go into the bar, which was an alien environment for me. But the sight of tails and furry ears did put a smile on my face as I made my way through to the dimly lit rear area of the bar, cordoned off for the meet. Set my stuff down with the heap of suitcase full of fur suits, and then proceed, for an hour and a half to stand around, ridged as a plank, trying my best to make a Malibu and coke last as long as possible so I wouldn't look so out of place and awkward. Eventually, I got a text from one of the guys I'd asked the number from, Suburban, asking if I'd made it. He told me to go looking for him. I walked past him about 3 times, looking at ID badges to try put a face to the name, until I did eventually come across him. He was very tall o.o But quickly made me feel a little more at ease now I'd actually met someone. Then invited my to tag along with him and a few other to go get burritos. I wasn't actually that hungry, but the thought of getting a little fresh air and relaxing a little was enough to persuade me. Plus, its a burrito. Who can say no to a burrito?
So we headed off, and still I didn't actually talk to anyone, sept one fuz who seemed, kinda delightfully odd and quite kind and easy to talk to. The conversation was a bit short and broken, leaving me a little puzzled, but I got a hug, a little out of a the blue, but though unexpected, it was a comforting gesture. Later, someone mentioned to me he was autistic. And sure, it can make for some awkward moment in public, but I've had friends with autism before, and so long as your patient and understanding, there as good a friend as any. And I did get to know him a little, when I could, and he seemed willing enough to talk with me in a friendly manner, if not ever so often, sometimes half way through saying something, breaking off to become completely focused on his phone, or running after something his spotted in the corner of his eye. But thats fine with me. I still find them the most interesting friends, if you have the patience.
Anyway, 3 hours in and with my new friend whos name I never got disappeared, I was back to standing around looking awkward. Until I spotted a blue neckerchief around someones neck. I recognised it from a pic a crazy sweed had sent me on Skype. Kim. He'd gotten 3 of them and mentioned he was going to the meet. So after a bit of hesitation I went up and poke him.
"You kim?"
"Uh… *odd look* yea. You are?"
"Foxtrot."
Instantly consumed with the most awesome hug of the day and invited to come sit down with him and a friend. Never know such relief X3 So I got sat down with him, and another of my friends I had met before (at his work place) turned up and joined us, and so that kinda gave me a few hours of actually enjoying the meet
During the day, there was a fur walk, and I'd considered not taking my camera, but figured I should, and thank god I did >.< Its always nice to hide behind it, but after getting home, making Foxtrot a facebook page and uploading all the photos to there, loads of friends request started coming in as fursuiters were tagged. The pictures got some ace feedback, and now I've a who host of furs I can grab and happily talk to at the next meet who will know my name ^^ And maybe next time I'll pluck up enough nerve to get a hug off one of the suiters (and not go home regretting I didnt X3 They look so fuzzy and cosy!!)
The pics can be found here: www.facebook.com/media/set/?se…
And also, after seeing the reaction of the kids the group met in the streets of Leeds, especially one little girl who was teaching a two tailed furry to dance, I really want to start looking at getting myself a suit X3 (just as soon as I save up enough to get a decent one, or make a start on building my own).
Thanks for reading
- Foxtrot
Anyway, long story short, decided to attend a FurMeet, to get to know more local furs. Knowing I'm not very good at the whole social group meetings, I was getting pretty stressed as the day of the meet arrived, to the extent my body started to do its usual trick of become very slow to fix any scrapes or cuts (which I get a lot of
) I dont know what the deal is with that, but just seems nothing really heals. So i quickly start to look a bit worn out and exhausted. But I was pretty determined not to let my nerves put me off, so arranged to meet up with another furry biker outside the bar, so I wouldn't be going into the room of strangers on my own. The plan was going well, until the morning of the meet when I got a text saying he'd hurt his back and wouldn't be able to make it O.OI almost backed out, but managed to push on. Got the number of another from the forum, and headed out. Parked up outside the bar they were meeting, then spent an hour walking around leeds 'hunting for an ATM.' (in actual fact i was just putting off walking into the place
)Eventually I got myself to go into the bar, which was an alien environment for me. But the sight of tails and furry ears did put a smile on my face as I made my way through to the dimly lit rear area of the bar, cordoned off for the meet. Set my stuff down with the heap of suitcase full of fur suits, and then proceed, for an hour and a half to stand around, ridged as a plank, trying my best to make a Malibu and coke last as long as possible so I wouldn't look so out of place and awkward. Eventually, I got a text from one of the guys I'd asked the number from, Suburban, asking if I'd made it. He told me to go looking for him. I walked past him about 3 times, looking at ID badges to try put a face to the name, until I did eventually come across him. He was very tall o.o But quickly made me feel a little more at ease now I'd actually met someone. Then invited my to tag along with him and a few other to go get burritos. I wasn't actually that hungry, but the thought of getting a little fresh air and relaxing a little was enough to persuade me. Plus, its a burrito. Who can say no to a burrito?
So we headed off, and still I didn't actually talk to anyone, sept one fuz who seemed, kinda delightfully odd and quite kind and easy to talk to. The conversation was a bit short and broken, leaving me a little puzzled, but I got a hug, a little out of a the blue, but though unexpected, it was a comforting gesture. Later, someone mentioned to me he was autistic. And sure, it can make for some awkward moment in public, but I've had friends with autism before, and so long as your patient and understanding, there as good a friend as any. And I did get to know him a little, when I could, and he seemed willing enough to talk with me in a friendly manner, if not ever so often, sometimes half way through saying something, breaking off to become completely focused on his phone, or running after something his spotted in the corner of his eye. But thats fine with me. I still find them the most interesting friends, if you have the patience.
Anyway, 3 hours in and with my new friend whos name I never got disappeared, I was back to standing around looking awkward. Until I spotted a blue neckerchief around someones neck. I recognised it from a pic a crazy sweed had sent me on Skype. Kim. He'd gotten 3 of them and mentioned he was going to the meet. So after a bit of hesitation I went up and poke him.
"You kim?"
"Uh… *odd look* yea. You are?"
"Foxtrot."
Instantly consumed with the most awesome hug of the day and invited to come sit down with him and a friend. Never know such relief X3 So I got sat down with him, and another of my friends I had met before (at his work place) turned up and joined us, and so that kinda gave me a few hours of actually enjoying the meet
During the day, there was a fur walk, and I'd considered not taking my camera, but figured I should, and thank god I did >.< Its always nice to hide behind it, but after getting home, making Foxtrot a facebook page and uploading all the photos to there, loads of friends request started coming in as fursuiters were tagged. The pictures got some ace feedback, and now I've a who host of furs I can grab and happily talk to at the next meet who will know my name ^^ And maybe next time I'll pluck up enough nerve to get a hug off one of the suiters
(and not go home regretting I didnt X3 They look so fuzzy and cosy!!)The pics can be found here: www.facebook.com/media/set/?se…
And also, after seeing the reaction of the kids the group met in the streets of Leeds, especially one little girl who was teaching a two tailed furry to dance, I really want to start looking at getting myself a suit X3 (just as soon as I save up enough to get a decent one, or make a start on building my own).
Thanks for reading
- Foxtrot
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Moody Grumble Fox
2 min read
Summers finally here, and with lighter nights come heightened spirits 
Last few months have been really awesome, considering how I've been for the last few years. I'm feeling a lot more perky, a little more sociable, a lot more ambitious, and quite outgoing too! Which for me is a big deal.
Suffer a bit of an unfortunate break up a few month back, but the relationship was mostly internet based, and endured the usually 'long distance relationships' weights, and I dont think it was really right for ether of us. But, though its sad its over, it has meant I've been a lot more stable and found myself a lot less glued to the computer each night! I've been meeting loads of fuzzy friends who live local, and this weekend plan to go along to a get together in Leeds. A little unsure what to expect, and quite nervous. Bars and clubs arn't really a place I enjoy been, and on top of that, meeting large groups of people, some of who I might know online, but have never met offline? I'm expecting the day to be quite uncomfortable, but its a necessary step to take, if I want to stop limiting myself to my room.
but yea, I feel a lot better than I have in such a long time! Look forwards to drawing more and more art, and getting back to enjoying life ^^
Last few months have been really awesome, considering how I've been for the last few years. I'm feeling a lot more perky, a little more sociable, a lot more ambitious, and quite outgoing too! Which for me is a big deal.
Suffer a bit of an unfortunate break up a few month back, but the relationship was mostly internet based, and endured the usually 'long distance relationships' weights, and I dont think it was really right for ether of us. But, though its sad its over, it has meant I've been a lot more stable and found myself a lot less glued to the computer each night! I've been meeting loads of fuzzy friends who live local, and this weekend plan to go along to a get together in Leeds. A little unsure what to expect, and quite nervous. Bars and clubs arn't really a place I enjoy been, and on top of that, meeting large groups of people, some of who I might know online, but have never met offline? I'm expecting the day to be quite uncomfortable, but its a necessary step to take, if I want to stop limiting myself to my room.
but yea, I feel a lot better than I have in such a long time! Look forwards to drawing more and more art, and getting back to enjoying life ^^
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